Lis (moondrop72) wrote,
Lis
moondrop72

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Oh why am I on this earth?

Today has not been so wonderful. Somehow I've been made interim development manager. I fear my managerial motto is going to be "Don't make me come up there and bust some heads."

Hmm. When I say things like that, I am no longer curious as to why Gary likened me to Boadicea. I don't remember the circumstances by which he said that (I think it must have been "who were you in a previous life") but I remember being kind of offended. I don't think he meant offense but surely being compared to Miss Melanie Wilkes would have been more flatterin for a woman.. Speaking of Gary, I very nearly committed an uncomfortable faux pas. I have gotten fed up with my home email and reverted back to the Yahoo mail. I opened up my address book and was quickly selecting all the addresses so I could send an update to the interested parties. I didn't realize Gary's email address is still in my old yahoo address book. My eyes just happened to light on the big confirm list and I saw his name there. Not that it would have been catastrophic had I emailed him with that, after all from my end of perspective, things are fairly amicable albeit non-existent. I wouldn't expect it would cause his eyes to grow warts by getting an email frome me. I just think it would have caused me discomfort at causing some possible confusion. Though I think he's bright enough to know that it would have been more slight of clicky hand than anything more. Who knows, but I'm glad I don't have to guess.

Which, I didn't intend to journal about this at all, but I may as well now that I'm thinking about it. But, I really don't know when I called an end to my acquaintance with him, but I think it was awhile before my 30th birthday. It's hard to remember anyhow because we were just barely in contact then anyway. But, I am really somewhat amazed at how things have worked out. I thought I'd feel really bad about it, change my mind at the very least. But I haven't; I really think it was the only thing I could have done and the decision has really stood the test of time. Admittedly, there are times when I'm really sad about it cos I really miss him as a friend. If I could have changed anything I said to him when I last spoke it would be that. That no matter how much I thought this was the very best thing I could do for myself, that I would miss him very much as a friend.

But, I really don't know how stupid that would have sounded. It was so complicated. All I knew is that I didn't want to and couldn't change him. And I just think it's better to look fondly back on our friendship than for me to make it one of the exceptions in my life where I'm maintaining a relationship in a manner I am not happy with.

Don't want to rehash it but if I can use this journal as a means of checking up on myself, I can say I still feel I did the right thing. Despite the times when I miss his friendship - for whatever it was - I still know I did the best thing for all. It's kind of weird though, to have been so close to someone and then never see or speak to them again. In the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't be that way and it shouldn't matter. But we don't live in grand schemes, it's the smaller scapes that we seem to try to live by.

So yeah, I'm a Dev Manager right now. I went from a coordinator on this to a lead also. Career is going well. MD is walking around chucking me on the shoulder. Despite the fact he threw me out of my hotel room, he seems to think I really would like to spend my day chucking his shoulder as well. Delusion is a fine companion, I reckon...I should know!

That said, the reduction of fuckwits and emotional vampires continues to benefit me greatly. I met one, as I mentioned, but I have done a bang up job of keeping that at arm's distance. I also have managed to keep some relationship with L that is both warm, fun and yet completely non reliant if not significantly detached. Now, that's what I would have really liked from Gary but he never was warm and certainly not fun at any point after our big first blow out war. I tried to be familial and fun but it was like squeezing blood out of a turnip. That was another big thing, when you see that a person probably is still a funny, generally amusing guy yet around you he's morose and bitter..that's not inspiring. It has to go both ways and I'm glad L and I can be that way.

Ok, gotta run and be managerial.
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