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Lis' Journal
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Date:2003-08-16 19:07
Subject:Ooh a new obsession at last!
Security:Public
Mood: indescribable

It has been a lonnng time since I've been avidly interested in..anything. I've become incredibly boring. And now I have something new to occupy my time :-)

Pirates!!!!!!

Aigh, I've seen POTC six times now and making plans to go again to a matinee tomorrow..and I'm listening to the soundtrack now. And who am I kidding? I don't give a rat's ass about Orlando Bloom - which was the only reason I went in the first place. As one reviewer put it, "I walked in for Orlando Bloom and walked out in love with Johnny Depp." Well, that's a bit extreme but I've become a huge fan of the movie but there's one thing we can't forget..Captain Jack Sparrow! I just bought some POTC premiere stuff off Ebay. I have gotten to know the seller in fact and she's offering me some more stuff before putting it on Ebay. Don't know if I'll buy it but it's nice to have a line to some of it.

I got a goodie bag on my door, a "cheer up and get well" gift, it was a POTC picture frame that is really cool. If I had it my way, I'd print out one of the screencaps of Capt Jack and stick it in there but that would be pretty lame-o to have a framed photo.. Savvy?

That said, having a crush on the wildly fictional Captain Jack Sparrow is the only natural progression from a crush I had on The Edge many years ago. Skinny, bandana wearing, obsessed with hats.. If you think of it, Edge is just as much Jack as Keith Richards. Well, at least in headwear.

I honestly never gave JD any credit prior to this movie. I think the only movies I'd seen of his were Edward Scissorhands, Chocolat and Nick of Time (which for some reason I keep thinking starred Nick Nolte). I was OK w/ ES though I was more interested in Beetlejuice. Chocolat was a movie that grew on me, not exactly a huge performance from JD and I didn't think he was overly mesmerizing except he was downright yummy. Then Nick of Time..well, as I say, I thought Nick Nolte starred in that (I saw it on the airplane) and that is not a compliment. Since POTC, I've taken to seeing Benny & Joon (very cute, but made schizophrenia look too enticing), Ed Wood (speechless), Cry-Baby (ridiculous movie, ridiculous acting, I found it to be a waste of time except the scene where Cry-Baby tells of how his "Mama couldn't even spell!"), and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape." No parentheses for What's Eating.. That movie. Wow. I cannot believe I never watched it before. First of all, big sweeping gesture and hats off to Leo for that peformance. But aside from that, what a beautiful movie and how insightful to what it's like in a broken home that's filled with sadness and people who try to do the right thing for other people. I related to Gilbert on such an incredible level, though instead of people saying "you need to do better" I heard more of "you need to let go a little more." I found myself identifying with that movie in a way I never expected.

You see, where Terms of Endearment represents to me what happens in a family when someone is dying and dies, What's Eating Gilbert Grape is the first movie I've seen that represents what happens to a family after the grieving and dying is done - how the grief continues in some form or another even though the family is "moving on". I was led to the movie by a gapers-block interest in seeing the other forms of Jack Sparrow..I mean, Johnny Depp..and I found a movie I can relate to in a deeply personal way. The scene where Juliette Lewis asks Gilbert what he wants for himself..man, I bawled.

Anyway, that's all from me for awhile. I am not getting too much better, but at least the disability insurance kicked in at last.

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Date:2003-08-11 07:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: uncomfortable

I had what I thought was a good weekend. I realized how many friends I have here in Florida and I feel very blessed. I had - literally - too many people who wanted to do something. Unfortunately I cannot do much more than see a movie in terms of energy output.
I haven't journaled that I am not well and have taken a leave from work for it. My only escape from the problems that have swelled up around me in this time have been movies. And obviously seeing POTC five times, well that's clearly my escape route of choice.

My sister and I have been distant since I got sick and given her prolonged spells of unawareness of the condition of others, I just have let her do her merry thing. I said to her a couple weeks ago after she failed to contact me after I left a billion messages so I could tell her about some bad news regarding my situation, "Perhaps the only situation that warrants a call back is when I have the barrel of a revolver in my mouth?" That was a sarky way of letting her know that her distance was noticed. She, in her ever responsive and compassionate way, did nothing about it.

So after - what I now know is six weeks of this alienating behavior - she calls me last night right before I went to bed and tells me she has to tell me something and I cannot tell a soul. She makes me promise, which I do with the caveat that if it's something I cannot abide by then I take matters into my own hands of how to be discreet. She's been secretly seeing someone. The reason this is a big deal is because she is dating a rock star (which suddenly seems pretty stupid sounding). I can't say who it is, I promised not to. Suffice to say, it's not some little indie band no one has ever heard of and has in fact been grammy nominated, performed at MTV music awards etc. I personally find him (and always have) repulsive. I'm worried and scared for her that she's going to get really hurt, that she's being dangerously naive and worst of all, that it's going to change her, change our family and our friendship. I feel that I can't trust her because she did all this alienation of me for a guy she only met a couple months ago during one of the scariest times of my life. It also explains why she didn't feel any compulsion to come down here and help me when I was bed-bound.

I think the way she's behaving towards me is appalling and revealing of how much she's already changed. I feel I have lost my sister and my friend, I feel that she's been lying to me - lying by omission. I hate her for it, and she's hurt me so deeply and hurt me when I'm already sitting at the bottom of an ocean of problems. Losing my health, possibly losing my house, my job. I thought I was sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor and now it turns out to be a false bottom and there is more room to fall.

I'm refusing to deal with this *with* her - she is the person who started this relationship with this guy by shutting me out for all this time. If she had been normal about it, then I suppose I'd just be shocked, surprised and concerned but I wouldn't feel that our relationship was at stake. If it had been just Joe Blow, I'd still feel this way, but now I'm compounded with how this totally different life and path will change the sister I loved.

It's not about me, but she made it so that it affected me. And I really hate her for that.

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Date:2003-08-10 12:46
Subject:But why is the rum gone?
Security:Public

Wah-how. Johnny Depp is on the cover (and innards)of GQ magazine this month. And he looks like some modern form of Jack Sparrow in all of them - I love that he's kept his gold caps. My friend bought it for me as a "get well" gift and get well I shall indeed, arr.

So I haven't journaled here in a while so to catch up.. Yeah, after many years of not being particularly interested in anything I have found my favorite movie. I only say it's my favorite because it's the first film whereby I saw the movie two days in a row (and have seen it three times since as well). I read the entire script online. And I am changing my vernacular to enhance my 'at home experience' with the film, savvy? Most of my friends are completely into it, the pirate movie and the movie musical has made fine comebacks!

Truly, Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl would have sucked big time had Jack Sparrow been played as typical pirate. I would never have sat through all those battle scenes, swordfights and such without the promise of seeing the swaying and sashaying Pirate weaving in and out of the lens. I truly cannot think of a single more memorable character in any film. Ever. I will even include cartoons in that. I have seen many other movies since the first two times in a row I saw POTC and they were good but totally disappointing on the entertainment factor.

The biggest compliment I can give this movie and Johnny Depp is that Captain Jack Sparrow made my viewing of Stifler in "American Wedding" a sadly boring character. Stifler?! BORING? Yes. I fear it is so. American Wedding was amusing, gross, scream worthy all around. But ultimately..sigh. Boring. I'm worried this will be the post-POTC affect on me.

Disney would be mad donkeys if the a) do not make a sequel and b) don't let Johnny Depp do whatever he wants.

It will be very interesting for me whether or not POTC turns out to have staying powering in my list of favorites. I'm not saying it's a better film than my previous favorite "To Kill A Mockingbird" or "Casablanca". But it is merely my favorite, for all its plot flaws, lengthy running time and generally being a genre I don't care for (the swashbuckling pirate movie).

Jack : You, sailor!
Gibbs : Cotton, sir.
Jack : Mr. Cotton . Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton ! Answer me!
Gibbs : He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to talk for him. No one’s yet figured how...
Jack Sparrow : Mr. Cotton 's... parrot. Same question.
Parrot: Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!
Mr. Gibbs : Mostly, we figure, that means 'yes.'

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Date:2003-06-05 16:03
Subject:Oh why am I on this earth?
Security:Public
Mood: thoughtful

Today has not been so wonderful. Somehow I've been made interim development manager. I fear my managerial motto is going to be "Don't make me come up there and bust some heads."

Hmm. When I say things like that, I am no longer curious as to why Gary likened me to Boadicea. I don't remember the circumstances by which he said that (I think it must have been "who were you in a previous life") but I remember being kind of offended. I don't think he meant offense but surely being compared to Miss Melanie Wilkes would have been more flatterin for a woman.. Speaking of Gary, I very nearly committed an uncomfortable faux pas. I have gotten fed up with my home email and reverted back to the Yahoo mail. I opened up my address book and was quickly selecting all the addresses so I could send an update to the interested parties. I didn't realize Gary's email address is still in my old yahoo address book. My eyes just happened to light on the big confirm list and I saw his name there. Not that it would have been catastrophic had I emailed him with that, after all from my end of perspective, things are fairly amicable albeit non-existent. I wouldn't expect it would cause his eyes to grow warts by getting an email frome me. I just think it would have caused me discomfort at causing some possible confusion. Though I think he's bright enough to know that it would have been more slight of clicky hand than anything more. Who knows, but I'm glad I don't have to guess.

Which, I didn't intend to journal about this at all, but I may as well now that I'm thinking about it. But, I really don't know when I called an end to my acquaintance with him, but I think it was awhile before my 30th birthday. It's hard to remember anyhow because we were just barely in contact then anyway. But, I am really somewhat amazed at how things have worked out. I thought I'd feel really bad about it, change my mind at the very least. But I haven't; I really think it was the only thing I could have done and the decision has really stood the test of time. Admittedly, there are times when I'm really sad about it cos I really miss him as a friend. If I could have changed anything I said to him when I last spoke it would be that. That no matter how much I thought this was the very best thing I could do for myself, that I would miss him very much as a friend.

But, I really don't know how stupid that would have sounded. It was so complicated. All I knew is that I didn't want to and couldn't change him. And I just think it's better to look fondly back on our friendship than for me to make it one of the exceptions in my life where I'm maintaining a relationship in a manner I am not happy with.

Don't want to rehash it but if I can use this journal as a means of checking up on myself, I can say I still feel I did the right thing. Despite the times when I miss his friendship - for whatever it was - I still know I did the best thing for all. It's kind of weird though, to have been so close to someone and then never see or speak to them again. In the grand scheme of life, it shouldn't be that way and it shouldn't matter. But we don't live in grand schemes, it's the smaller scapes that we seem to try to live by.

So yeah, I'm a Dev Manager right now. I went from a coordinator on this to a lead also. Career is going well. MD is walking around chucking me on the shoulder. Despite the fact he threw me out of my hotel room, he seems to think I really would like to spend my day chucking his shoulder as well. Delusion is a fine companion, I reckon...I should know!

That said, the reduction of fuckwits and emotional vampires continues to benefit me greatly. I met one, as I mentioned, but I have done a bang up job of keeping that at arm's distance. I also have managed to keep some relationship with L that is both warm, fun and yet completely non reliant if not significantly detached. Now, that's what I would have really liked from Gary but he never was warm and certainly not fun at any point after our big first blow out war. I tried to be familial and fun but it was like squeezing blood out of a turnip. That was another big thing, when you see that a person probably is still a funny, generally amusing guy yet around you he's morose and bitter..that's not inspiring. It has to go both ways and I'm glad L and I can be that way.

Ok, gotta run and be managerial.

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Date:2003-05-29 11:31
Subject:Never thought I would do this..
Security:Public

I can quote Christina Aguilera and Ivor Novello in the same day? I have to say I really like these lyrics. There are sooo many people I can think of to apply it towards.

Artist: Christina Aguilera
Song: Fighter

Lyrics:

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

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Date:2003-05-29 11:26
Subject:Lyric time
Security:Public

I am watching Gosford Park while working, just listening to the Ivor Novello/Northam Land That Might have Been..

Somewhere there's another land different from this world below.
Far more mercifully planned than the cruel place we know.
Innocence and peace are there. All is good that is desired.
Faces there are always fair. Love grows never old nor tired.
We shall never find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been.
I shall never be your king nor you shall be my queen.
Days may pass and years may pass and seas may lie between.
We shall never find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been.
Sometimes on the rarest nights comes the vision calm and clear,
Gleaming with unearthly lights on my path of doubt and fear.
Winds from that far land are blown, whispering with secret breath.
Hope that plays her tune alone. Love that conquers pain and death.
Shall we ever find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been?
Will I ever be your king or you at last my queen?
Days may pass or years may pass, the seas my lie between.
Shall we ever find our lovely land of Might-Have-Been?

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Date:2003-05-07 10:46
Subject:I read the news today, oh boy
Security:Public
Mood: disappointed

Is it wars that really shape what kind of society we are today?

Here are the two notable events presented on the Today Show:
-A Special Ed Bus Driver is indicted for verbally and physically abusing a mentally disabled 7 year old boy on the school bus. The family had stuck a tape recorder in the boy's backpack and the verbal abuse and physical threats were sickening. The boy is restrained via harness in his seat so it's not like he's an aggressive child who is prone to causing a safety issue.
-A group of Senior high school girls conducted a "hazing" event on Junior girls at the Junior/Senior PowderPuff game. The hazing including beatings, forced feeding of fecal material, cuts, and using weapons.

At what point in our society are we people who abuse children who are strapped down in a mentally disabled state? And we force feed young women fecal matter?! This is absolutely revolting and makes one think that the real thing we should be protesting in our world is how we treat each other on a local and civic level. This has made me more sick than anything because there is NO excuse for it. You cannot claim religious culture on this one or reaction to an immediate threat. I hope the whole lot get thrown in jail. I'm especially sick and tired of women brutalizing other women.

In other news, there is not much news.

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Date:2003-05-01 15:00
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: tired

I was doing so well with the updates and now I've started to slip on it. Well for good reason I have not been journaling - it's hard to with the new work environment I'm in where I sit in a very open area where people can look over my shoulder pretty easily. It's hard to be frank and open when you're being watched by the unknown.

So here it goes:

Worklife

I like what I'm doing, I hate the work environment. The colleagues are awesome though. There's only four women on the whole project and probably the highest concentration of good looking guys I've ever had to work with. I'm feeling serious pressure now though because I have a lot to do in a very short period of time. I realize though how much I've grown in terms of my temperment and stress management because I don't care about the synthetic man made pressure placed upon me. At the end of the day, everything WILL get done and I only can work as hard or as fast as one person can. It's not like they assigned me a team of 25 elves who I refuse to delegate to. They know it's just me and 1/2 of an intern-level persons time. So it should not come as any surprise if the deadline is blown. That said, I'm surrounded by people who are really tightly wound over this and probably don't appreciate my "it all works out in the end" attitude.

That said, the person I have to work with representing the client (but NOT the client, just a sub contractor) is absolutely abominable. For one, she is one of those self-important personalities who truly feels this Institution we both work for will crumble mightily if she's not here. She also is very detail oriented to a point where I wonder if she examines her rectal hair every morning. The interesting thing is, if she paid as much attention to the detail of her appearance as to her work she'd probably do a bit better professionally. She is also involved in some ridiculous pyramid scheme that she keeps trying to get me involved in. The guys here really dislike her and feel sorry for me working with her. Her appearance is probably the biggest barrier between her and credibility. I never realized how you look can dictate how much you are respected especially when you're acting like a bitch. This woman claims she's a size 16. If she's a size 16 then I'm a size 2. It's absolute bollocks, and she says she lost 100 lbs. And as R said, "She lost 100 lbs and she still looks like THAT?" R is not known for his tactful statements. But it's true. The other thing is, she has over processed her hair to the point that it's falling out in enormous chunks. She's got bald patches all over her head and her haircut does nothing but exacerbate it. The worst part is, she still is continuing to dye it. When I met her she had black roots with light hair. Now her whole head is auburn like but the roots are still way too dark. Plus her scalp shows through. Because she lost 100 lbs (from stapling btw) her skin is hanging all over the place. For some reason she has black stubble on her chin so she looks a bit like a drag queen. I could spend a paragraph on the crooked, overbite and gap teeth. The woman, in a word, is a mess. She dresses terribly as well, very unflatteringly and too much jewelry. She also snaps and pops her gum through every meeting which doesn't exactly incite respect from other either. She's also in her early fifties so she doesn't have youth going for her either. It's so hard to be nice to her, cos she can be so bitchy and high strung about every little thing. I feel bad, she looks like a crazy woman and her personality doesn't negate her appearance.

We have a brilliant cast of characters here otherwise, and I have a really good person on my team who does everything with enthusiasm. She gets a bit over zealous at times or doesn't appreciate the word "priority" but she's young and she's learning. She says she loves having me for a boss which is great, but I hope that doesn't mean "pushover."

The Social Life

For some reason M and S (not marks and spencer. obviously) are suddenly interested in being involved in my life. I went out with both of them last week and had an awesome time. L and I are still buddies but we still don't seem to have much of a social group thing going on. Though this weekend we're hanging with a couple friends of hers from CA so that should be fun.
Most of my social life is still sourced out of work. I'm still good friend with peeps from other projects and made some more friends here. I feel a bit shy about hanging with the blokes since they like to do their guy things sans women. But some are a real laugh.

We had group outing recently and I found myself in this peculiar position of being very popular. In high school I was not popular, even as a young adult I had a sense of insecurity in social settings. I found myself feeling a bit like a fish out of water - to have all the women in our group want to talk to me and hang out with them, to every guy there (which was about 15 I guess) asking me to either play pool or fooz ball (however you spell it), getting me a drink and two of them outright hitting on me. Well three if you count the guy who was waving a cue stick at me in a manner that represented his penis. But I don't count him cos we're always flirting with each other and he has a girlfriend he's gooey about. He's just that way. That said, it's weird for me to feel like one of the centers of attention. I am embarassed to admit that I often think what those girls who were mean to me in high school would think if they walked into that bar and saw that I'm not this scared little mouse anymore. That people do like me - pretty and ugly women, successful and insecure women, not just nerds and freaks either but good looking, successful - and in some cases - absurdly wealthy men. But I guess what happens when you're one of 2 single women in a group of 15 mostly unattached men. The odds I guess were in my favor.
The bottom line is, I've been thinking a lot about how I came to be the way I am and I realize I've really grown and changed a lot since high school. And it's hard for me to say it cos I think I'm very vain for saying it - but I am proud of how much I've grown socially just since I was even 25 never mind 15.


The Love Life

Has been hilarious. There was D, who I never journaled about because he was a shady character. He fell too hard, too fast and that spooked me. He also had a kid, which I came to realize is something I don't want to deal with right now. I am still in love with the idea that my first child will also be my husband's first. I'm not ready to give up on that yet. He also wasn't very ambitious and his daughter lived too far away from him for me to find that to be a good character trait. He got outrageously pissy with me, which again was over the top given how long we knew each other.

Then there was S. Here was a guy who had totally common interests, easy to talk to, enthusiastic, funny and attractive. The problem was, he was totally spineless. I felt more and more I was wearing the pants in the relationship and I don't like that. He was very ambitious career wise but a total doormat everywhere else. He also had a lot of preconceived notions about things and people, was not very openminded to new things without extensive research first. The worst of it all is he is one of the most indecisive people I have ever met. Even when I split from him he sort of handled it in a way that was pretty much accepting of his fate and sad about it but unwilling to discuss what he could do to fix things. In the end, I look back and think of him as a really nice guy who doesn't realize he acts like a boring asshole. That might be a harsh summation of a person but frankly isn't ready for a relationship.

So right now I'm not with anyone, which is fine. I'm happy to have been dating and I met a couple guys here and the only thing that stresses me out is the certainty it'd become a long distance relationship if it in fact worked out. The first one, D, is a friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing so I knew him before I met him. When I finally met him here I thought he was attractive and likeable. He's a nice guy, very much of a gentleman. He emails me a lot, very flirty and insists that he'll "drive anywhere anytime" to pick me up and go out. Which was the antithesis of S, really. The only thing that concerns me are the things I know about him that he doesn't know I know. I know he's a danger/thrill seeker. I know he has a bad temper and doesn't like stupid women. In fact his attitude towards stupid women scares me a bit. I know he swears a lot and lives a hard life. He seems to be a bit of a control freak. On the other hand, I like that he's sweet to me. But last night we were out at a bar with a group from work and I saw another side of him. A couple of the women fall into that "stupid, drunk chick" category. When they left he said to me "I thought you were going to leave with your friends." I was really, really confused by this (course he was into his 4th guinness by this point) and I was confused. I said "I'm not with them.." He walked away muttering "Good fucking riddance I say." NO idea what that meant. But he treated me kinda shitty last night. Part of it was, we had tenatively made plans to hang together but I ran into his buddy K first. Well, I personally like K more but didn't really know him since D was the friend of a friend things. K is, in a word, awesome. He is so easy to talk to, warm, funny - nay - hilarious, and the kind of guy you want to hug you. He's got black hair, blue eyes - NY Irish Catholic type. He's taller than me, I'd say right about 6 feet even. He is a bit overweight in that he probably has tucked in one guinness too many. I think he's fucking adorable and handsome. He said he's on a diet and has lost 20lbs. But I wouldn't be concerned about his weight at all if he didn't bring it up. I guess he probably sees himself the way I see myself and maybe that's why I felt so comfortable. He stood very, very close to me even when no one was there. We had a little corner of the bar as well for awhile where he made me laugh til I cried. Seriously. He also taught me how to shoot pool in a way that Fucking Matt never did - in a way that was encouragement without conditions. I liked leaning up against him and just being close. I felt very much at home, an immediate ease I have honestly not really felt with anyone else.
He's also really smart and good at what he does.

That would explain why D was so irritable with me, but, he was very aloof despite I tried to talk to him and catch up. I think he got drunk and pissed off which is ugly. I don't need anymore moody alkies in my life.

So the end result is, I have an enormous crush on someone who though it probably would never work out with, I may have hit upon - at last - the real kind of guy I'm looking for. He's not tall and skinny, he's not ripped and built, he's not short and fat, he's not ugly, he is not drop dead gorgeous. He's a guy who isn't perfect, he is smart, someone you can respect, funny and makes me feel like I could spend all day beside him and be completely happy. He may not be The One but he's pointed my eyes in the right direction.

Heh. I know I'll miss him this weekend - I haven't been able to get him out of my head all day.

The House

It's really starting to come together. The one side is still unlandscaped but the porch and all my flowers and stuff look amazing. I'm very proud with how it's all turned out. I met a soon-to-be neighbor who is really nice and friendly. She's single but retired so while she's unattached like me, she's not really in my age group. But I don't care, really. I made some good changes though. I added curtains to my bedroom window and they look great. The room looks much more finished than it did. The whole "Colours of Provence" theme is going strong but I have to say I already want to change it to an opulent Indian/British Colonial thing. I think that has to do with the whole woman in her 30's sexual peak thing. There's something very sexual about the whole Indian textiles and colors that I really want in my bedroom. It could be since I am around a lot of Indians (two of whom are drop dead beautiful, absolutely stunning looking men) . I think I'll wait though, see if the idea sticks.

I redid the half bath in a 1930's depression era theme. it looks good. Very Waltons.

OK, I've caught up myself enough for now. Hopefully I'll update this a bit more going forward. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

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Date:2003-04-09 09:25
Subject:
Security:Public

I'm so glad I can do a southern accent because I think by being a little bit southern I got a nice lady in a Mississippi post office to keep an eye out for a letter that has accidently made its way over to her.

Bless her heart and kudos to Mississippi.

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Date:2003-04-03 14:03
Subject:Life can be pretty fucking hilarious.
Security:Public

Yeah, so where is one city I'd really rather not go to? Like, ever again?

You'd be right if you said Pittsburgh, and you'd be close. But..no. It's Glasgow.

I have client meetings there next week. Holy baloney, this really sucks.

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Date:2003-04-03 08:32
Subject:The Brits as Sophisticates?
Security:Public
Mood: amused

I'm reading the Top 100 Hoaxes of all time. I find it interesting that the bulk of the people fooled were the general British population and the British media.

And they say we're the stupid, gullible, ignorant asses...

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Date:2003-04-02 17:13
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: weird

Things sometimes turn out exactly as they should.

There was a guy that I liked a long time ago when I was in high school. And I cried cos he didn't know I was alive. A friend of mine still keeps in touch with him as it turns out and hooked me up with his website with a lot of pictures and updates on his family. He's in the Air Force now, a noble thing, and stationed in Asia. He married his high school sweet heart and had two kids.

Funny thing, he turned out to be ugly, short, overweight. His high school sweetheart has interesting style about her. She's probably the only person in the world who would mix a black lacquer minimalist dining set with country kitsch. Seriously. They have this real shiny black table with matching chairs. A rock garden or a single orchid is about the only thing you could put on this table as a centerpiece but rather it's got some crochet and lace fru-fru stuff on a doily. The china cabinet - also lovely in its own right - is stock full of what looks like country crockery. The walls are decorated with faux mirrored windows, dolls, stuffed bears and every type of washboard, milkpail country blue thing you could imagine. I'm all for either look, but to mix them? Yoinks.

The crazy thing about their house is all the furniture looks real minimalist in style but the decorations are totally out of whack with the furniture. I'm not saying that I'm Miss Cohesive Interior Decorator, but I surely would not put up photos on the internet of my lovely new home when I clearly have schizophrenia in my corridors.

The point is, I'm amazed at all the different routes people who grew up together, who share common roots, can go. If things had worked out my way and I was able to date and marry this guy, I'd be living on an AFB in Asia. Not that that would bother me in the slightest, it sounds nice in fact especially compared to sitting in a stinky computer lab 12 hours a day wishing I was at the mall. But I can promise you this: I would never mix lace and lacquer.

So I had some pretty interesting daydreams/nightdreams last night about THAT guy. The crazy thing is, I don't spend anytime thinking about the guys that I might be able to actually get. Like JM here. This guy is cute, somewhat tall (5'11 maybe), not fat but not skinny or built. He's extraordinarily regular. He's really cute, has a cute haircut. Looks like a guy who would be very much at home in an Irish sports bar in Boston as much as would be deadly romantic on a beach in the South Pacific. I noticed him cos when I first got here I used to run into him in the hall all the time. He has nothing to do with my project here, he's just one of the 10 billion employees they have here. Everytime we ran into each other in the beginning, there'd be this sort of small smile kind of "i think you're cute" thing exchanged. Then, I noticed he sits very close to the breakroom I go to for soda and water, so he can see me come and go really. Then I began to notice that, gee, just about every time I go to the break room, he's right behind me! He's never there when I get to the breakroom, he's just always behind me.

Finally he talked to me when I was doing the miraculous trick of getting a pretty good full stream of water to flow into a really tiny bottle. He came in and said "now that takes talent." It startled me and I ended up spilling water all over myself and my hands. He felt terrible about it and got me a bunch of paper towels to clean it and myself up. We ended up talking and that was it though. He still follows me to the cafe pretty regularly. And before I sound pretty self important - with some 4000 employees at this facility what are the odds I'll keep running into the same person who just happens to sit within a good perch. If it was coinkydink, then it would stand to reason that sometimes I'd wind up on his heels rather than it always being the other way around.
I have now just appreciated how totally lame it was to relay a story about a guy who follows me into get a drink every day, says nothing to me but goofy smiling and that nothing comes of it. I think it's officially a non-story. It's just that I'm pretty bored here and have very little else to do but fantasize about goofy smiles and cute, but nervous, bosses.

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Date:2003-04-01 17:01
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Incidentally, is it sick that I'm really getting off on the fact he doddered around nervously in a doorway before talking to me?

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Date:2003-04-01 16:52
Subject:Want to shag boss!
Security:Public

So life never ceases to amaze. I met my boss. I just don't mean the person who signs my timecard kind of thing, but the big Uber Daddy who signs the paychecks. He's so attractive, so hot and I found myself becoming a bit Bridget on him. No, I don't mean wearing a see-through top or non-existent skirt but just making sort of sad jokes and that sort of thing.

I made myself irresistable. Ok, no, not really. But I did wear makeup and a pair of trousers I've gotten several compliments on.

I CIRCULATED. Ok, no not really again. But I ignored him when he burst into the work room and expected us to know who he was by the sound of his dudely voice. I didn't turn around or respond, simply because I'd met him before briefly and I didn't even think he knew who I was, nor do I think I should be responsible for introducing myself when he's MY boss. But....I saw his reflection in my monitor (did you think I was going to say "Snow Covered Hills"?!) and he stopped in the door way and looked at me. Then he stepped out halfway, then stepped back in and said my name. I turned around and he said "I'm Donald Duck." (not his real name) and stuck his hand out for me to shake it. So I did and I said "Yes, I know. I met you a couple weeks ago." And he looked flustered and then said "Oh, right. I just wasn't sure you knew who I was." and I said "I do." Then he pulled up a chair and sat next to me to shoot the proverbial shit.

I Brought to Attention Thoughtful Details About Others. I really did, I shined the light on K here, who is a very junior out of college girl who is trying really hard and I wanted to make sure he knew she was working her ass off. I thought it made me look relaxed an benevolent as well ;-D

I also made some silly jokes, including refering to him as the bad boy and if I could work from my hotel room to which he took a double take which makes me wonder if he realized I meant testing in my hotel room not some other hotel room related occupation.

That said, he's totally doable.

I make no plans for myself and this young, wealthy, single, powerful, sartorial dresser with a touch of bad boy in him. I just like to think about it. I would never pursue a person who is my boss. Especially Uber Daddy Boss.

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Date:2003-03-29 08:32
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So I'm the last person on earth to buy a Coldplay album. I think I would have seriously liked it about five years ago. But now it's like listening to something I maybe should have grown out of...

Or it could be that my innermost deepest thoughts and directed anger is at the curtain rod I bought that turns out to be 3 inches too short for my bedroom window. I'd be only more upset if that said pole were jammed up my ass.


This week was all kinds of hello. Grandmother has a TIA which she thinks is something she can "eventually" see a doctor for rather than going to the ER. L has a lump on her breast, her mother meanwhile is in surgery getting a lump removed. H is getting jerked around by the company in a way that seems to suggest they are trying to get rid of her. She's my hero in that she won't go down without a fight. Whereas I'd probably stroll away, crying.

On the other hand, I have a lot of cute shoes now. And I got mani/pedi that makes my feet look really pretty and cute. There's so little on me that I could define as "cute" but I'll give credit to my feet when they have been scrubbed, massaged and painted: they are cute.

My cold seems to be responding to sudafed. I just feel like a stupid zombie all the time but that's OK. Maybe I'd feel like a zombie anyway, despite the sudafed.

Got a nice big bag of Happy Cola from Marie yesterday. I can be happy, and I like Cola.

Overall, despite sickness, war and short curtain rods, life is good.

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Date:2003-03-26 17:25
Subject:It's a Small World After All
Security:Public

So my friend H and I have been hanging out so to speak for quite a while and it's just come out *now* that she has seen a frankly obscene number of U2 shows and her friends know the freaks I used to hang out with. The strange part? She had a falling out w/ her friends over band-following and excessive fandom.

It blows my mind what a small world it works out to be from time to time.

Now if I could just blow my mind more often than my nose..

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Date:2003-03-26 17:24
Subject:Damn.
Security:Public

Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth

Where I grew up
There weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No-one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
That's peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Anne and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth

Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

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Date:2003-03-26 14:54
Subject:So Priceless
Security:Public

From the Onion, natch.

Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins
WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of recording artist Sheryl Crow's strong protestations, including the wearing of a "No War" guitar strap, the U.S. went to war with Iraq last week. "Making the decision to go to war is never easy, but it's that much harder when you know Sheryl Crow disapproves," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said at a press conference Monday. "It is this administration's sincerest hope that it can one day regain the support and trust of the woman behind such hits as 'All I Wanna Do' and 'Soak Up The Sun.'" Fleischer issued similar apologies to Martin Sheen, Janeane Garofalo, and Nelly.

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Date:2003-03-23 08:12
Subject:
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Mood: lazy

Ahh..Rainy Sunday mornings. I know it sucks from the perspective that now I can't go to the beach, swimming or biking. But, on the other hand, that's whats nice about it. Inspired laziness..Cup of coffee in bed..Garfield sunday cartoons and nothing pressing to do.

Ahhh.

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Date:2003-03-22 21:07
Subject:
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Mood: restless

I managed to update an icon on this journal finally. It's a bit past 9PM and I hear what sounds like bombing but it is, in fact, the Epcot showing of Illuminations.

I felt very jaded watching the "shock and awe" portion of our televised war. It looked like a fireworks display for 4th of July in Boston or as I said, Illuminations. As much as I can see the network and military beaming war into our homes as something they do merely because they can, I think it's horrific for the families watching at worst and desensitizing for the American publc at best.

As for my opinion on this war. It changes minute to minute, day to day. The fact of the matter is, I think everyone is right. From the protesters out on the street to President Bush, I think everyone has a valid point, valid concern and is acting the way they ought. The problem is, I just don't *know* what the right thing to do is.

The fact of the matter is, Hussein has had 12 years to cooperate, he signed that treaty and has ignored it. On the other hand, America is acting very much alone and looks like a right jack ass right now. What would I do if I were in a position of power? I would have no idea. And I don't envy anyone who is in those positions who have to decide.

I can say one thing, I hope to God this administration and the military do right by the Iraqi people. That would be the only way that I would like at this whole ordeal the world is going through right now and say it's worth it.

In so less serious news, I haven't been able to sleep all week and I've been absurdly proactive about getting organized. My therapist thinks it's because of the topsy turvy world we're living in right now that in all the chaos I might be trying to compensate by making the things I can control predictable. I have no idea what it is but I plan to lay in the hot bed of Tylenol PM tonight given I have yet to turn to beer for a sleep aid.

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